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silent_4_now

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hello again journal. [Mar. 11th, 2017|10:20 pm]
silent_4_now
[mood |.]

I started to write something and now I feel something powerful I have no idea what it is. I hope my therapist can help me figure it out, because I am crying and I don't even know why. I have such a good life why is this happening. what is going on with me? Looking to the past I get this feeling I have no idea what it is. It has been so long. I don't even know how I feel anymore.

Crying but don't know why? This has been happening for MANY years. What is it? and why am I not over it yet?
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Hello again [Sep. 28th, 2016|07:48 am]
silent_4_now
I am free finally free. She is gone they are both gone. This war inside my mind is over. but now what. the dust is clear. and there is you. You are amazing and I am in love with you. What will it be like when I am like this? Can I be free and still make you happy? I must admit I am terrified of the next month. I want you. I want this. I am just afraid. what if things don't go as planned. I wish I could tell you. or even anyone about how I really felt the past 12 years. that is how I felt. but I am becoming okay with letting the past lye. they will be back and I am fine with her now. She is gone. I let her in and now she is gone. I guess that is all I needed to do. however, why like this? I know everything will be fine. but the irony, life is so weird sometimes. even here I talk in riddles. I should just say what is on my mind. and keep myself honest, the truth behind their war and why it started. I kinda want to share all this but where would I even start this 12 year story. This is just not something people talk about. They really are a different entity than me. just because they are gone does not mean that I forget. who would I talk to who would understand?
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3 days until I break my record. [Oct. 8th, 2013|04:02 pm]
silent_4_now
3 days until I break my record.
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(no subject) [Jan. 11th, 2013|02:31 pm]
silent_4_now
wish I was strong. wish I could read your feelings... without feeling the same.
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(no subject) [Jan. 11th, 2013|02:27 pm]
silent_4_now
Sometimes you just don't want to talk about it.
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(no subject) [Sep. 3rd, 2012|03:45 pm]
silent_4_now
no one knows me anymore. not even you.
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(no subject) [Jan. 9th, 2012|11:44 pm]
silent_4_now
Trying to like my job but I hate it with a passion.
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(no subject) [Nov. 25th, 2011|06:53 pm]
silent_4_now
Where is the blade that releases the clear blood. I hear clear blood is better.

C.Cuts hurts more.
L.Less drama.
E.Ends mental pain more efficiently.
A.Argue less with the ones you love.
R.Right way to deal with things.

R.Releases habit forming chemicals.
E.Easy.
D.Dangerous.

Lately only clear blood has fallen from me.
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(no subject) [Nov. 17th, 2011|06:28 pm]
silent_4_now
You know what this really bothers me! why do I find it easier to say "I used to be or (I am)" a cutter then "I am asexual"! like what?! really?
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(no subject) [Oct. 21st, 2011|11:42 am]
silent_4_now
My life is going good. I haven't needed to use this LJ for a long time :)
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